I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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