Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
