U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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