I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
