i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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