I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
