Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
