there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think my moral compass just broke
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
