The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
