I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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