Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
