tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
