Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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