So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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