girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
