Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
