U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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