I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
