We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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