Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My dick has a subreddit
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
