we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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