I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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