One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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