i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The air was thick with penises
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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