either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
