I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
