You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
