Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
