her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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