omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
