Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
