You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
