I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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