Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
