Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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