I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
