What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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