Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize