I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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