HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
