He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
