if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
