I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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