I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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