He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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