i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
