I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
