There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
