Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
