I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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