i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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