we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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