saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
