The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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