I hate all girls vehemently.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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