I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
