if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
where does the pee come out of this thing
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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