I think I won the penis lottery.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
